Let Go
by bralliex
Summary: "Have you ever been in love?" It was an innocent question in retrospect. A question posed by a few college friends who were trying to get to know the "real Zoe Murphy" over a simple game of Truth or Dare. (Zoe x Evan oneshot)


**A/N: _Dear Evan Hansen_ means the absolute world to me. I had the pleasure of seeing it in April of this year (2018) with 6/8 of the Original Broadway Cast (Taylor as Evan and Phoenix as Alana-the rest original). **

**That being said, I _never_ thought I'd write a fanfic for it (or any other musical for that matter). **

**And yet here we are...**

* * *

 **ZOE**

Zoe Murphy thought she was over him. She thought she'd _been_ over him for at least a year, maybe even a little longer. After all, wasn't there that old saying, what was it again? Something all the lines of, "time heals all wounds." If that was so there'd been plenty of time to heal a relationship that had only lasted a couple of months, three at best. It had barely a chance to begin, much less be so difficult to get over.

Although, if time did indeed heal all wounds, why did Zoe Murphy find moving on from Evan Hansen to be such an insurmountable task? Why did it feel like their relationship had lasted eons, or at the very least years, when in reality it was quite fleeting in comparison to most adult relationships and a fairly standard length of time for two teenagers. Not that the relationship between Zoe Murphy and Evan Hansen was anything comparable to a typical teenage romance, or, for that matter, an adult one.

All Zoe knew for sure was that Evan had been more than just a boyfriend. He'd been a best friend too. Someone she could share absolutely anything with, while having the added benefit of kissing every so often. Yes, Evan Hansen had been more than just a boyfriend to Zoe Murphy. But what was he now? An ex-boyfriend? An ex-best friend? Could she call him a friend? (They'd ended things on pretty good terms given the circumstances). Or was he just the boy who'd pretended to be her dead brother's 'most best and dearest friend'? Was he a stranger? After all, there was no reason not to question whether everything Evan had told her had just been another part of all the lies. Zoe had always hated lying, she'd tried her hardest to tell the truth throughout her childhood, mostly because Connor had the tendency to lie without even realizing it, and everything with Evan had only made Zoe more cautious. Everything with Evan had only built her walls up more.

Zoe should hate him. She should hate Evan. Hate how he single-handedly saved her only to destroy her months later. The thought of him should leave her feeling sick, angry, upset, and any other combination of negative emotions. But she just felt empty. Lost. Alone. Granted, Zoe didn't think about Evan all that often. In fact, she prided herself in how little she thought about 'everything high school,' since her freshman year of college began that September. It was almost as if she'd been able to put the past behind her. She'd been able to start over. To not be "the dead kid's sister," and just _be._ Be Zoe Murphy. Not rich Zoe Murphy, or Connor's sister Zoe Murphy, or hotshot Larry Murphy's daughter Zoe Murphy. She was finally able to just be Zoe Murphy. Nobody knew her. Nobody knew her faults or her past or any silly mistake she'd made during her first eighteen-years. Like the relationship she'd had with Evan Hansen, for instance. No. That wasn't a mistake. Not really.

Yes, Zoe Murphy rarely thought about anyone from high school, especially Evan Hansen. It was ironic really, nobody knew her at college and yet there was a fairly large chance, larger than Zoe was willing to believe, that people knew Evan Hansen. At least they'd heard the name; had a vague idea of the boy who was best friends with the kid who'd killed himself. The boy who'd founded The Connor Project. Heck, maybe some of Zoe's new classmates had even donated money for the orchard or watched one of Evan's livestreams. But that was Evan. That wasn't Zoe. No one had realized Zoe was Connor's sister. At least, not yet.

That, Zoe was thankful for. She was thankful she hadn't had to retell the story and reopen the wound that was still so fresh. And yet, she also felt a painstaking want, no a _need,_ to confide in someone. A small part of Zoe wanted one of her new friends to ask. To connect the dots between Zoe and The Connor Project; to connect the dots between Zoe and Evan Hansen. Perhaps it wasn't that Zoe wanted to tell the story all over again, but rather she wanted to be comforted by somebody who already knew. Already knew about Connor. Already knew about her. Someone she could bear her heart to without it requiring an elaborate explanation that one couldn't fully comprehend unless they'd been there. Unless they'd lived through it all. Somebody like...

Zoe Murphy shook her head to clear her thoughts and switched her attention back to her current surroundings. There was no use in dwelling on anything related to high school, whether it be friendships or relationships or funerals or viral videos. None of it was worth thinking about. Especially not relationships. Normally Zoe Murphy would stay clear of all things high school. She'd become a bit of an expert in all things avoidance. And yet, she couldn't avoid high school tonight. Not really.

"Have you ever been in love?" It was an innocent question in retrospect. A question posed by a few college friends who were trying to get to know the "real Zoe Murphy" over a simple game of _Truth or Dare._ Prior to partaking in the game Zoe had already decided, as she often did in "get to know you" type situations, that she'd impose certain limitations when it came to her past and, well, _Connor_. Zoe was almost certain her new classmates wouldn't spill their deepest darkest secrets over such a middle-school sleepover game, and she wasn't about to open up about Connor during something as ridiculous as _Truth or Dare._ However, when 'creating' these restrictions Zoe hadn't considered Evan. She hadn't thought about questions relating to relationships or love. She hadn't thought to remind herself to put Evan on the "list" of unmentionables. Evan and Connor grouped together again. Zoe couldn't seem to remove herself from either of them. Not that she wanted to.

Zoe pushed all thoughts of both Connor and Evan from her mind and focused on the 'task' at hand, or rather, the _question_ at hand. After all, she couldn't just sit there and say nothing. It wasn't like she had to elaborate and tell everyone who it was she'd been in love with. She just had to say yes or no and be done with it. In a perfect world that is...

"Yes. _Once_." Zoe tried her best to be as vague as possible while still admitting the truth. But of course things were never so easy, she didn't live in a perfect world, _obviously_ , and her new friends didn't let her move on from said question so quickly.

"Was it was Kyle?" A girl by the name of Makayla asked. She'd only just become a part of Zoe's (not that Zoe was the leader by any means) "circle" and was referring to Zoe's most recent boyfriend, if you could even call him that.

Zoe and Kyle had only been on a few dates. Kyle had been the one to call it off, but the disconnect had mutual. Kyle was kind, charming, funny, everything a girl could've hoped for in a boy, but the two just didn't have much in common. At least on the surface they didn't. They hadn't had much time to get to know each other beyond the typical "first-date-questionnaire" ie, favorite movie, favorite book, favorite tv show, that kind of thing. Zoe supposed they could've found similarities between each other if they'd dated longer, or tried harder.

After all, wasn't that the whole point of dating? Getting to know one another? It had been hard for Zoe to "get to know" people with Connor's shadow always ever present, and even more impossible after he'd left. She just didn't feel like having to relay her life story to another person all over again. It was such a momentous task and would require a brutal, raw and emotional delivery. One she didn't have the strength or courage for. She'd have to break down all her defenses and put her heart on the line. She'd only done it once before. And look how that had turned out. What if she did it all over again only for it to crash and burn?

Besides, Zoe didn't want to have to be the dead kids sister again. College was a chance to find herself and to forget, or at least move on from, her past. She'd picked a college far away from home for that very reason; for a second chance at the world and all its victories and disasters. And yet, it was small moments like those sparked by a simple game of _Truth or Dare_ that led Zoe back to high school.

It was sort of silly, really, that she'd envisioned college as the one place where she'd be able to be herself. To be Zoe Murphy with no strings attached. And yet, upon arriving she was still bending the truth and avoiding certain subjects. She still wasn't able to talk about Connor, or Evan, or how detrimental her parents constant fixation on Connor, while they seemingly forgot their daughter existed, had been while growing up. Or how awful it had been after Connor died and her parents were forced to turn their attention to her, simply because they had no one else.

Zoe supposed she could confide all of this in a therapist, but she'd only attended a few sessions after arriving at college. This was mostly because they'd cut into her day too much and she'd lost valuable study time and time with friends; time to pretend that everything had been smooth sailing throughout her entire life and she was nothing but excited for everything college would entail; time to try to be herself, but end up being what everyone else wanted her to be all over again. In fact, if Zoe was being completely honest she'd only ever truly been herself with one person, but there was no point in dwelling on it. Nothing could happen. She respected herself enough to know that.

And no, it wasn't Kyle.

"No, not Kyle," Zoe managed to plaster a smile to her face.

"Care to explain?" Another girl, Harriet, asked, her big brown-eyes widening in anticipation.

"Maybe another time," Zoe again managed to stay calm, when in reality she was silently pleading her friends would just drop it. She couldn't confide in them during a game of _Truth or Dare._ Especially not about Connor, though she was sure her brother would've found the situation hilarious. The thought brought a brief genuine smile to Zoe's face.

"Damn Murphy!" Her roommate, Tess, exclaimed, "Stop being so mysterious!" All the girls, Zoe included, laughed and Zoe managed a playful wink and sly comeback to sway the gathered girls. There was a running joke that Zoe was closed off and an enigma of sorts. Everyone seemed okay with it at that moment, but Zoe wasn't so sure how long she could keep up the facade before the girls decided she was untrustworthy or wasn't as interested in their friendship.

 _I'll tell them soon,_ Zoe promised herself, breathing a sigh of relief as she realized the girls had seemingly dropped the subject and were expectantly waiting for her, not to elaborate on all things Evan Hansen, but instead to take her turn.

"Let's see..." Zoe scanned the small crowd of ten or so girls, finally selecting a girl by the name of Dawn as her next 'victim.' "Dawn, truth or dare?"

"Truth! Bring on the question Zoe, because boy do I have stories to tell."

Zoe Murphy wished she were as confident and as much of an "open book" as Dawn Kelly.

The rest of the game went smoothly. No one asked Zoe any more personal questions, and she managed to hold a smile at all the appropriate times. Eventually, she opted to turn in early, because she "had a test the next morning" which wasn't a lie per say. The test just wasn't in the morning, it was mid-day, and it was for Music Theory, which she didn't need to study much for anyway. But none of the girls knew this.

In the end Zoe Murphy's attempt to get to bed before the rest of the girls fell flat. The brunette tossed and turned in her bed long past Tess's arrival and was certain her roommate drifted to sleep the instant her head hit the pillow. Zoe wasn't as lucky, despite the fact she'd left the party long before Tess had.

Zoe knew what was weighing so heavily on her mind. She knew what was preventing her from sleeping that night, just as it had so many nights two short years earlier. She knew what she had to do: the one thing she'd been trying not to ever since the truth had come out.

Zoe Murphy reached for her phone.

Zoe Murphy scrolled through her text threads, and even the sight of his name in tiny black letters, **EVAN** , made the young girl's heart quicken. She never really could escape the name. Whether it was the boy on her floor named Evan Harrison, who was both a daily reminder and punishment for Zoe's shakily mended heart (the poor boy really didn't know why Zoe avoided him at all costs) or her professor Mr. Hansen, Evan was everywhere. And yet so far away at the same time.

Zoe happened to be one of those people who deleted 99% of her text threads. She wasn't sure why, she just did. Perhaps it was because, ever since everything went down, she didn't enjoy living in the past. There's no time like the present, right? Ironically the only two text threads she'd never deleted were Connor's (while he was alive, because they'd formed a bet as to who could keep each other's thread around longest, and after he was gone, because Zoe couldn't bare to get rid it. She supposed, with a sad smile, she'd won the bet after all), and Evan's (try to guess the reason behind that one).

"You owe me a hundred bucks," Zoe whispered and she couldn't help the tears that cascaded down her cheeks then.

The realization that the only text threads she'd never deleted were Connor's and Evan's brought both a somewhat twisted smile to Zoe's face and a sinking feeling in her heart. It forced her to remember (though she'd never forgotten). To remember what had happened. What Evan had done. In retrospect he'd been broken, he'd had to have been to write the letter he did. It had taken Zoe a long while to come to terms with this; to come to terms with the idea that Evan probably, no _definitely_ , hadn't fallen.

To believe he'd _let go._

That his broken arm had just been another lie, a smaller one, in the web of lies he'd so easily spun. A web of lies that Zoe Murphy had long since forgiven Evan Hansen for. She wasn't the kind of girl to hold a grudge. He'd saved them really. In a way. He'd saved her parents at least. And her. Their family. And they'd saved him. There was nothing to forgive. Not really.

She'd let him know this when they'd met last year at the Orchard. But forgiving was easier than forgetting. She couldn't forget. But she couldn't let him go either. Maybe it was easy for Evan to let go of that tree, but it wasn't so easy for Zoe Murphy to let go of him. Every relationship she'd had since then hadn't lasted. She hadn't wanted to explain about Connor and to have to fill another person in on the disaster that was her life. She didn't want to let another person in. Evan already knew everything. She hadn't really let him in either, it was more like he'd barged in and broken down her walls and she'd had no say in the matter. But it had been amazing. Electrifying. Gratifying. To finally feel heard and noticed and to make him feel the same way.

Zoe Murphy wasn't exactly sure where Evan Hansen had ended up, but she knew he was attending college. She knew this because she still followed him on social media. Not close enough to know who his new friends were, or if he had a girlfriend, or what school he attended, she'd tried to block these details out, but close enough to know he was happy. Or seemed so by the pictures he posted on instagram. But what did those slight snapshots into his life, or anyone's life really, even mean? He could be doing terrible, and still post a smiling selfie. Most of his posts were pictures of trees anyway. Despite all her not noticing, Zoe had noticed Evan hadn't reciprocated the follow. He'd probably been advised against it in therapy. Move on, you know.

But if it was so easy for him, why was it so hard for her?

Finally, Zoe typed out a message. A simple one. A friendly one. After all, no one said they couldn't be friendly again. She needed a friend. Badly. One she didn't have to explain her past to. One she could talk to about her present. One she didn't have to get to know over games of _Truth or Dare_ , because she already knew them like the back of her hand.

Three words.

No not those words.

These words:

 _Hope you're okay xx -Zoe._

And she felt a great weight lift from her shoulders.


End file.
